A Mental Note
I really need to force myself to blog more.
Actually, it shouldn't really be forced, should it? Maybe I'm coming to the end of an "era", so to speak. Maybe I'm ready to give up blogging. Actually - I don't really want to give it up altogether. It's been such a part of my life. But since time escapes me night after night - the days pass and I don't blog. I do tweet quite a bit though on Twitter - which I mentioned in my last post. It's just so easy.
In any case, I saw my shrink two weeks ago. I knew something had to give because I was really struggling with slowed thinking and I was having trouble writing things at work - writing anything at all, really (like, uh, this blog, maybe).
I decided that I needed to not be on one of my medicines. I came to the conclusion that it was the culprit and that I would announce to the doctor that I really no longer needed to take it and that was that. It's Invega, a mood stabilizer (as he kindly calls it) and an antipsychotic in clinical terms. Just the term antipsychotic makes me cringe and squirm. Me? Psychotic to the point that there should be an antipsychotic in my life? That I need a medicine for schizophrenics?
Oh and I forgot to mention the other nasty little side effect of this anti-psycho wonder pill. It caused me to pile the weight on. I won't disclose how much I gained, but it was quite a bit. And this of course will never ever do. I may go nuts, but God help me if I get super fat again. (Sanity is so overrated, right?)
So I'm eating all the time, in a stupor, drool running down my chin, and I have just enough clarity to conclude that I don't need these meds.
So I see the shrink. I tell him about the weight gain. I tell him about the stupor. I say to him, "I thought Lamictal was a bi-polar drug. Shouldn't Lamictal be taking care of whatever this Invega is supposed to be taking care of? Why do I have to be on both?" He told me the lamictal was really only effective on bi-polar depression. Depression? So what's the prozac for? The prozac is a backup.
Great.
So he says that he can reduce the dose of Invega to half and that should help me with the cravings. But he says he can't take me off of it.
"But - I really didn't even have that big of a manic spell. I mean, I was functioning very well. I was . . ."
"Ginger," (you have to imagine this with a thick Indian accent) "You were painting symbols on your bedroom wall."
Pause and sigh.
"But it came out really cute . . ."
"Ginger you need to stay on the mood stabilizer because there is a risk of mania and we don't want that."
"So what you're saying here doc is that I will basically have to be on one of these 'mood stabilizers' for the rest of my life?"
He laughs. "Oh no no no!"
A huge wave of relief floods over me and then - the clencher -
"No no no. We have no idea what medical science will come up with. They could end up shooting lasers into your brain or something." (I kid you not this is what he said. AND he was serious when he said it.)
Dead silence.
Crickets.
Lasers in my brain? Medical science? Did I just hear that I'm going to have to be waiting on fricking medical science before I have to stop taking these pills?
So I agreed to reduce the dose by half. I agreed to follow the advice of "current medical science." I totally understand what he's saying. The brain is a tricky little thing to mess with. The chemistry is so complicated. I don't want to go manic either.
I started feeling better in about three days. And I stopped eating like a pig and have lost 10 pounds so far. I do have more clarity. And I've also noticed that I can type faster. And that I have more energy. But I don't feel like I'm going crazy or anything. And if you've read this blog for any extended amount of time you'll know that I am almost painfully self-aware. Even when I was going manic that first time, I kept stopping and saying "I think I'm going manic. Am I manic? I think I am."
So - so far so good. I'm happy with the reduced dose. Am doing better with my thought processes, etc. Wrote a very snappy letter today as a project for work. Did a good job, I think.
This whole mental illness thing is such a painful process, but I do have a lot of hope. I think that in spite of everything that's happened, I've done surprisingly well. The medicine seems to work (especially the super-fabulous prozac, my prrrrrrrecious). I don't know. I think good things are going to come from all of the mess my life used to be. I think I'm going to be able to reach out to others in my situation. I so want that for my life. I want to help other women going through postpartum depression and psychosis. I definitely need to find a way to give back. Hopefully it will come soon.
Actually, it shouldn't really be forced, should it? Maybe I'm coming to the end of an "era", so to speak. Maybe I'm ready to give up blogging. Actually - I don't really want to give it up altogether. It's been such a part of my life. But since time escapes me night after night - the days pass and I don't blog. I do tweet quite a bit though on Twitter - which I mentioned in my last post. It's just so easy.
In any case, I saw my shrink two weeks ago. I knew something had to give because I was really struggling with slowed thinking and I was having trouble writing things at work - writing anything at all, really (like, uh, this blog, maybe).
I decided that I needed to not be on one of my medicines. I came to the conclusion that it was the culprit and that I would announce to the doctor that I really no longer needed to take it and that was that. It's Invega, a mood stabilizer (as he kindly calls it) and an antipsychotic in clinical terms. Just the term antipsychotic makes me cringe and squirm. Me? Psychotic to the point that there should be an antipsychotic in my life? That I need a medicine for schizophrenics?
Oh and I forgot to mention the other nasty little side effect of this anti-psycho wonder pill. It caused me to pile the weight on. I won't disclose how much I gained, but it was quite a bit. And this of course will never ever do. I may go nuts, but God help me if I get super fat again. (Sanity is so overrated, right?)
So I'm eating all the time, in a stupor, drool running down my chin, and I have just enough clarity to conclude that I don't need these meds.
So I see the shrink. I tell him about the weight gain. I tell him about the stupor. I say to him, "I thought Lamictal was a bi-polar drug. Shouldn't Lamictal be taking care of whatever this Invega is supposed to be taking care of? Why do I have to be on both?" He told me the lamictal was really only effective on bi-polar depression. Depression? So what's the prozac for? The prozac is a backup.
Great.
So he says that he can reduce the dose of Invega to half and that should help me with the cravings. But he says he can't take me off of it.
"But - I really didn't even have that big of a manic spell. I mean, I was functioning very well. I was . . ."
"Ginger," (you have to imagine this with a thick Indian accent) "You were painting symbols on your bedroom wall."
Pause and sigh.
"But it came out really cute . . ."
"Ginger you need to stay on the mood stabilizer because there is a risk of mania and we don't want that."
"So what you're saying here doc is that I will basically have to be on one of these 'mood stabilizers' for the rest of my life?"
He laughs. "Oh no no no!"
A huge wave of relief floods over me and then - the clencher -
"No no no. We have no idea what medical science will come up with. They could end up shooting lasers into your brain or something." (I kid you not this is what he said. AND he was serious when he said it.)
Dead silence.
Crickets.
Lasers in my brain? Medical science? Did I just hear that I'm going to have to be waiting on fricking medical science before I have to stop taking these pills?
So I agreed to reduce the dose by half. I agreed to follow the advice of "current medical science." I totally understand what he's saying. The brain is a tricky little thing to mess with. The chemistry is so complicated. I don't want to go manic either.
I started feeling better in about three days. And I stopped eating like a pig and have lost 10 pounds so far. I do have more clarity. And I've also noticed that I can type faster. And that I have more energy. But I don't feel like I'm going crazy or anything. And if you've read this blog for any extended amount of time you'll know that I am almost painfully self-aware. Even when I was going manic that first time, I kept stopping and saying "I think I'm going manic. Am I manic? I think I am."
So - so far so good. I'm happy with the reduced dose. Am doing better with my thought processes, etc. Wrote a very snappy letter today as a project for work. Did a good job, I think.
This whole mental illness thing is such a painful process, but I do have a lot of hope. I think that in spite of everything that's happened, I've done surprisingly well. The medicine seems to work (especially the super-fabulous prozac, my prrrrrrrecious). I don't know. I think good things are going to come from all of the mess my life used to be. I think I'm going to be able to reach out to others in my situation. I so want that for my life. I want to help other women going through postpartum depression and psychosis. I definitely need to find a way to give back. Hopefully it will come soon.
posted by lovemydox at 8:49 PM
2 Comments:
It sounds like you're beginning a new chapter of your life. I've been reading for a couple of years and can tell from your writing that you're in a much better place now.
I haven't talked to in ages, but thought i'd check up on you through your blog. Sounds like life is fun!
Anyways, I saw that you wrote something about your doc mentioning lasers. I'm going to be a total nerd here (hey i'm in OT school) and say that its really not that far fetched. We just saw a video (today actually) about electoshock therapy to treat depression. Yes they still use it, and yes it really does work! But of course, the side effects are bad - lost memories. I would assume by using a laser you could target the exact areas in the brain that needed stimulation instead of the whole brain. There are actually surgeries that take place right now where they do open brain surgery to do electric stimulation on target areas. Anyways, I've rambled on long enough and exposed my pragmatic nature. I am still cheering for you to beat your depression. I think you are doing a wonderful job by the way! Love you girl!
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